Bring on the heat!

Have you ever been so hot, it feels like time is standing still?  Where it feels like every moment takes forever because you are so uncomfortable?  Where even a cold shower does not keep you from sweating?  Where you feel dizzy every time you stand up?  Where you constantly feel like your heart is feeling way too fast?  Where there is no end of a cold pool or air conditioning in sight? 

This week has been that way.  [Either that or I’m going through menopause.]  I feel as if my brain is being fried; like it takes up so much energy just to think.  Yet with this heat exhaustion, it is too hot to really get a good nights sleep.  Everything feels as if it were at a standstill.  Yes, I still see patients every day, and yes, we are still screening every woman we can for cervical cancer and LEEPing them when we have the chance.  Equipment is starting to slowly dwindle (luckily Sandra has done more than her fair share of the work in the states and has shipped some necessary equipment that should be here tomorrow). 

There is a part of me that is worried that this whole project wont be successful.  What if, after I leave, everything I’ve done and taught is forgotten?  And, if it is forgotten, does that make me a failure?  Did I really do my best in ensuring success of this program?  Did I do my best in educating the staff here of necessary components of women’s health care?  Honestly, right now I feel like the heat is hindering my ability to really perform and teach up to par.

On the other hand, glass half full, even if this is not the victorious program that I intended, at least it will have made a difference to the people I have treated in my time here (just like the star fish story).  This whole situation has been one gigantic leap of faith.  Although implementing a screening structure with training highly relies on me, the final outcome is kind of out of my hands.  And I still don’t know what it will be, which is almost as exhausting to fathom as the heat.

Many of my previous teachers have told me how much respect they have for what I am doing here.  I really don’t think that I deserve any more attention than any other person.  Things like this don’t happen with just one person.  We all take chances, entrusting our livelihood in others on a daily basis . . . whether it’s a parent entrusting their child to drive their car for the first time, an attending allowing a resident to perform a surgery under minimal supervision, or making the decision to finally let them graduate into the real world of medicine [or donating an expensive LEEP machine to a hopeful cause]. 

To all the teachers and healers of the world, I commend you for continuously fighting the good fight.  I would not be where I am today without your guidance and faith in my capabilities.  Although I truly hope that it cools off just a little bit here . . .  to my metaphorical heat, I say ‘bring it on.’